15
Jan
10

Alexander Skarsgard – Men Don’t Eat Chocolate Mousse

This is a short story Alexander Skarsgard wrote in 2002 for inclusion in an anthology published in Sweden.

This story seems to have been floating around the internet for quite some time. I am somewhat slow on the uptake it seems….I’ve never seen it before.

This piece is incredibly raw, awkward and personal. Yet his memories of losing his virginity – a defining moment we all experience – are intimate, and honest too. Nothing is lost in the translation.

A man of hidden talents, is our Skars. But we already knew that.

Men Don’t Eat Chocolate Mousse
With manhood and lost virginity follow a distaste for karate movies.
Alexander Skarsgård 22 May 2002

Malin came from Gustavsberg, wore pink mascara, smelled of Date perfume and could put a whole packet of Hubba Bubba with licorice flavor in her mouth.

I came from Södermalm, admired MacGyver, wore a bomber jacket indoors and shaved every day to make my beard start growing. It was late in the summer of 1991 and it was around ten in the evening. The atmosphere in the living room was tense. Malin and her friends sat lined up in the white leather couch while me and my friends were pushed together around the dining table, which was situated at a comforting distance to the girls. Micke and Johan broke the embarrassing silence when they started wrestling on the floor. I felt good when something finally was happening and we all watched the wrestling match with excitement. The far heavier Micke immediately got the upper hand but the wrestling match came to a sudden stop when the combatants happened to roll over on Sara’s sprained foot. Sara suffered, Micke and Johan blushed and Malin, whose mum was a nurse, held a detailed lecture on the importance of keeping a sprained foot still. Putte, who loved to discuss, broke Malin’s lecture off. He claimed that his mum was a foot doctor and that a sprained foot on the contrary should be active. Wild debate arose.

I myself had no opinion on sprained feet, so I went into Malin’s room and put on a Roxette record. Soon Micke came in and asked me if we could share a beer he nicked from his brother. We felt terribly cool, sitting there sipping beer like Micke’s brother and his pals used to do. Micke turned up the volume on the stereo in the hopes that some of the girls would come in and see how cool we were. Soon Emma came in to ask us to turn it down. When she saw us drinking alcohol she started crying terribly and called us alcoholics. Micke comforted her and said that he could control his drinking (which, a few years later, he proved that he definitely couldn’t). Emma accepted this and she and Micke started making out.

Pretty soon they became breathless, and we played Super Mario Bros instead. Micke had just won when an excited Johan came barging in and told us that they were playing truth or dare in Malin’s mum’s bed. Anyone who has played truth or dare knows that it’s a wonderful game, because you get to hear a lot of half true dirty stories and you get to, most importantly, make out. A few seconds later I had joined the others in the bed. The half truths were already pouring out. Erik claimed, among others, that he had a girlfriend in Öland. This was a kindly put halftruth. Erik had certainly fallen in love with a girl he had seen in Borgholm some months earlier. The problem was just that she never saw him.

Soon I got my first question. It was Malin who wondered how many I had had sex with. Some critical seconds followed. Should I tell about my innocence or should I act experienced? I answered eight. The summer before Lisen Jacobsen had shown me her bare breasts on a rapeseed field in Denmark, but we had definitely not slept with each other. So eight was probably more of a lie than a half truth. The guys, who knew I lied, nodded in agreement the same way I did when they stretched the truth a little. The game went on for some time and then it died slowly down. One by one went out of the game.
Some went out and checked out a karate movie in the living room, and others started to whip up chocolate mousse in the kitchen. Soon me and Malin were alone in the bed.

– What do we do now?
– I don’t know, I answered really fast.

We were both into making out a little, but I was way too scared to take any initiative. We had certainly made out a few times during the game, but it was way harder now when we were alone in the enormous bed. Malin saved me by asking if I had tried the new lip gloss with strawberry taste. I answered no and Malin pressed her glossed, strawberry tasting lips against mine. We kissed for approximately as long as the strawberry taste lasted, then she whispered:

– Let’s do it.
I got all sweaty and felt dizzy. Malin continued:
– But be careful. I’ve never done it before.

The emotions sprayed out of my ears. Joy that I might be the first one among my friends who would lose my virginity, and terror that I might fail and that Malin would see through my lie about my earlier experiences. Both my hopes and my fears came true. We had sex in the end and I was the first one among my friends. But Malin probably started wondering what happened when I ruined two condoms before I even had them on. And when I tried to enter her somewhere between her knee and her hip, she was pretty convinced that my earlier experiences were made up. She helped me and I found the right place.

Ten seconds later we were lying next to each other looking up in the ceiling.

– It was the first time for you too, right?
I lay silent a while but realized that I could not cover another lie.
– Yes, I answered embarrassed.
– Don’t worry, I won’t tell the others.

She smiled at me and I smiled back. We were lying there in the weak light from the billboard on the other side of the street and smiled at each other. I was a man and I smiled at a woman. And on the other side of the bedroom door the snotty little kids were making chocolate mousse and watching a karate movie.

Sources:
Original Swedish version
English Translation – Skarsgard News

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14 Responses to “Alexander Skarsgard – Men Don’t Eat Chocolate Mousse”


  1. January 15, 2010 at 4:35 pm

    Wow. I would say something like “I wouldn’t mind being on the receiving end of that story (insert leer here)” but that seems pretty lacking considering how very personal that was. I think I love him more now.

  2. 2 sunnynala
    January 15, 2010 at 4:49 pm

    I read this story some months ago and it made me love him even more. He is so sensitive and insightful!! He’s just a darling all the way around.

  3. 3 Kristen
    January 15, 2010 at 8:09 pm

    And just one more reason for me to fall quietly in love with this beautiful, talented man!

    God… I have NEVER had a celebrity crush like this… mostly, because I realized that those really attractive celebs were probably complete jackasses or loons in real life. ASkars truly does seem to be the entire “package” (pun INTENDED!) and I think that’s why I find myself becoming all “swoony” when I read stuff like above.

    P.S. “Swoony” is SO not my style, so ASkars gets even more points for turning me into the shameless fangirl I’ve only recently become.

  4. 4 Stef
    January 16, 2010 at 4:23 am

    Oh ASkars…I love you:)

  5. 5 walgigi
    January 16, 2010 at 5:19 am

    Just another proof of his sweet nature and sensitivity. He’s a natural. One of those rare exceptions you can see in Hollywood maybe each 100 years lol.

  6. January 16, 2010 at 11:59 pm

    It’s such a sweet story isn’t it?

    @Kristen – last time I got it this bad was when I saw Ralph Fiennes play Heathcliff in Wuthering Heights. I tend to develop obsessions with book characters and then with actors who play them well…hmm I’m seeing a pattern forming here!

    That crush went on for quite a while – though it cooled slightly when he fucked a flight attendant in a plane toilet a couple of years back…

    I do still like him though 🙂

    • 7 Pogonip
      January 17, 2010 at 8:59 am

      Actors…..and musicians….are best “loved” and admired from a distance. They are not the person you see on the screen or on a stage. Don’t confuse the role or the interview transcript with the real person. Just enjoy the public persona for what it is.

      Of course if you’ve known them for years before they achieved any success, you’re stuck with them!

  7. 10 nskars
    January 17, 2010 at 7:30 am

    Can this guy get any more amazing? Seriously.

  8. 11 Betty
    February 17, 2010 at 3:18 am

    I was touched by that story. He doesn`t mind showing himself weak. Some guys would have embellished that story and made themselves sound like a stud. He does seem like a great person. Maybe I can meet him one day in real life. Not likely, but you never know.

    • February 17, 2010 at 3:55 am

      It’s sweet isn’t it? And you’re right, I think all the more so because it’s very honest and almost self-depreciating. Bearing in mind as well that he was only in his mid twenties when he wrote this.

  9. February 27, 2010 at 10:57 am

    Hey, would you mind sourcing SkarsgardNews.com for the original translation at http://skarsgardnews.com/?p=767 , please?

    Thanks.

    ~simba_317

  10. February 28, 2010 at 10:51 am

    Thanks Simba. The Tumblr I found this on is now dead, it appears…LOL.


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My ramblings on the Sookie Stackhouse books, and the HBO series True Blood. Everyone I know is already half crazed with my plot and character assassinations, conspiracy theories, theme explorations and general obsessing, so now I'm going to share it all with you. Spoilers and Viking worship are rampant...you have been warned!

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