I Could Never Read The Shower Scene Aloud

No, Charlaine. Just NO.

You all know how much I love these books. You know that I do.

Love them as I may, sometimes Charlaine writes sentences that still make me cringe and giggle even though I have read them so many times I’ve lost count. If you’ve ever freaked out (and I know you have) at Charlaine likening Sookie’s breasts to quivering puppies, at the repeated offence of using the word “topography” in a sex scene, or at her disturbing fondness for bestowing pet names on Eric’s dick – then you might get a laugh out of this.

Bradeatspeeps is a big fan of the books, and True Blood. When True Blood is airing she posts weekly episode recaps on her LiveJournal. I read these at work with my office door closed, so that my howling can’t be heard in the hallway. I’ve been known to totally stalk her LJ – I just love her sense of humour and her take on the series and characters. It doesn’t hurt either that she shares my love for a certain tall, blonde swede.

You can read her recap of Timebomb – the second most awesome episode of True Blood ever – here.

Anyway, she has some “issues” with both Charlaine’s writing style and saying sexy words, so a friend dared her to read aloud this most revered piece of Sookie/Eric canon…filled with dirty words, cringe inducing sexual metaphors, and primal lust. This video is the result.

This is so hilarious to me because I just know that if I ever attempted to do this, I’d be squirming as badly as she is. I think I have a sick sense of humour.

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26 Responses to “I Could Never Read The Shower Scene Aloud”

  1. 1 nskars
    January 18, 2010 at 12:01 pm

    HAHAHA Mr Happy. *shakes head*

    Am stalking her LJ as I type.

  2. January 18, 2010 at 1:11 pm

    I have to commend Bradeatspeeps for getting through that much of it, I know I couldn’t. Brilliant. However much I love this scene, it never fails to make me wince… puppies?!

    And I just can’t reconcile Eric and his use of the word “bottom” It’s just wrong.

    I’ll never look at that Mr Man the same way again.

  3. 3 Dan
    January 18, 2010 at 5:09 pm

    No comment.  For real, this series made me an audio book person and I have not looked back since.  I always get books at Christmas and this year I find myself tempted to pay for audiobooks in which I already own a hardback.  This is after a lifetime of reading.   Some of it is about the convenience of the iPhone.   I no longer use a pc at home, either.  I use the company issued laptop to synch the iPhone.

    The way I got hooked on SVM was first by watching season one.   Then a month before season two starts, I see the audio version of DAG.   I really loved it and realized I should have gone in order.  Then I got DUD and listened to everything in order.   Then I enjoyed many repeats, with the third run through being the most enjoyable.   Charlaine’s reader, Johanna Parker, really improved with each book.   She had many holes in DUD but got pretty darn good by DTTW and did that shower scene very well.   Now when Johanna reads, I see AP’s face.   I would change that if I could and see an
    original Sookie created by my imagination.

    • January 18, 2010 at 11:24 pm

      You’ve got me intrigued Dan.
      I have all the audiobooks but I haven’t listened to DTTW yet.
      Now I’m going to have to go listen to the shower scene just to hear someone get through it with a straight face but I don’t believe it’s possible 😉

  4. 5 walgigi
    January 19, 2010 at 1:27 am

    During the last season of TB I read all of Bradeatspeeps recaps and enjoy them a lot. I also watched this video before and it’s very funny. But in all honesty, though CH is not Shakespeare, I have to admit that she is writing the books in first person and is Sookie who tells us what she looks and how she feels. We are reading “Sookieverse” through her own eyes and with her own words. We need to remember Sookie is a country girl, and even when she’s very smart and intelligent, she doesn’t has a sophisticated education and she is always saying how difficult was for her to attend the school with her “disability”. That’s why she’s always learning new words and meanings from her “Word of the Day Calendar”. Maybe some people have issues or find funny her metaphors at lovemaking, but they are just as simple, funny and natural as she is. I agree with Dan because I also have heard the audiobooks and in DTTW CH’s reader did that shower scene very well.

    And, after all, CH must have written something very good in that scene because it has reached the status of legend in her series hahahhaa.

    • January 19, 2010 at 2:11 am

      I really do love this scene, and it holds legend status for a reason. I’m not dissing it, honest!

      You make a fair point about it being written in first person gigi, I actually hadn’t thought of that and I’m very happy now that there is some excuse for it.

      But I will never get over Mr Happy. I just can’t.

      The shower scene is hot, but calling a vampire’s boner that? SO NOT HOT.

  5. 8 VikingLover
    January 19, 2010 at 2:32 am

    Thanks for posting that link to the LJ – that recap was hilarious!! As to the love scenes that CH writes, they never really bother me all that much. Sometimes the adjectives can be a bit much but I’m too enthralled in picturing Eric naked to notice. 🙂 I actually think CH holds back and is careful not to make it too tacky and fall into the Harlequin Romance Novel/porn domain but like the poster above said, she does it in a way that stays true to the character of Sookie. Sookie got a late start in life in that dept and is not very experienced. She also (if I’m not mistaken) likes to read romance and mystery novels – that’s probably why those adjectives/descriptions make sense and are normal in her own mind. That’s my two cents anyway! 😀

    • 9 walgigi
      January 19, 2010 at 2:42 am

      “I actually think CH holds back and is careful not to make it too tacky and fall into the Harlequin Romance Novel/porn domain”.

      I also agree with you on that, because CH always says it isn’t a romantic novel, too.

  6. 10 Kristen
    January 19, 2010 at 3:54 am

    HAHAHA! Some of those scenes are cringe-worthy, if still lovely.

    The “orgasms in jar” thing was enough to do me in!

    Love the linky… must try the True Blood drinking game next season. =)

    • 11 VampirePamsGirl
      January 20, 2010 at 12:59 am

      Call me crazy (because I am, lol) but I actually loved that “orgasms in jar” line. I’d put Ericgasms in a jar and save them too if I could, lol. I have to say that with this discussion, I am actually pro-Sookie, lol. She just says some of the most inappropriate and inane things and I think it just makes me love her just a little bit more. Perhaps because I often find myself thinking (and sometimes saying) the most inappropriate and inane things myself, so I can relate. Or perhaps it could be a regional thing that makes it seem more likeable to me than to others. Sookie’s from Louisiana, CH is from Arksansas, and I’ve lived in Alabama my whole life. “Hey ya’ll you know what I been thinking” is an entirely common phrase from my life and my little corner of the world.

      And on a totally non-related subject- Did any of you other SkarsgardNews stalkers see those pics of ASkars in the denim shirt and jeans? OMFG! That thud you heard was me hitting the floor. So much better than the tux for me. But of course that might be that Alabama thing kicking in again, digging the cowboy-ish look. 😉

  7. 13 Dan
    January 19, 2010 at 3:56 am

    I get the most laughs when Sookie is addressing  a large crowd and her hickville lingo surfaces.  Sometimes its more like something she heard on MTV.   For example, at Sophie Anne’s trial.   Sookie speaks up at an inappropriate time, then Pam starts cracking up, & the Viking moves near to protect her in case Sookie angers the wrong vampire.    Don’t recall all the dialougue right now but the ancient Pythoness says “are you the Justice” and Sookie responds “I know the truth but I don’t have the Juice to serve justice.”.  Pam continues to crack up.

  8. 15 walgigi
    January 19, 2010 at 11:47 pm

    Talking about Sookie…. WTF?!!

    Can anyone please tell me… Was she dressed as Sookie or was this indeed a fashion crime???


    • 16 caratstick
      January 20, 2010 at 5:58 am

      We were mourning this on facebook. It’s awful. And not just the shoes, though they are HIDEOUS. But the dress is also unflattering and looks like the disco era threw up on her.

  9. 17 Dan
    January 20, 2010 at 1:51 am

    I made up “hickviile lingo” but I am laughing with Sookie not at her. I was born in Georgia and have lived in Texas since I was 11. But since I live in Austin, I am more of a hippie redneck. That Australian alt-country singer, Casey Chambers, draws a big crowd here.

  10. 19 Belle
    January 20, 2010 at 8:40 am

    that was very funny to watch…

  11. 20 EricsRenfield
    January 21, 2010 at 10:32 am

    Okay guys and girls, I’m going to put my 2 cents in here… being from Australia (yeah, same as Casey Chambers LOL), I’m not exactly hip to all your lingo. The “y’all” is enough to get me giggling. In fact, I’ve taken up using that myself lately ;D
    I don’t care that CH is not a literary genius with prize winning paragraphs and accolades for her grammar. What she has done is give us some of the most amazing characters ever! This series of books will be discussed for generations I imagine & I just love the fact that “her world” has made the world a whole lot smaller. Thanks to the SSN & TB via Facebook & sites like this I have a big group of amazing new friends that all have the same thing in common – a love of the books (& show that was inspired by the books). Thank you CH & AB for that.
    Okay, there are flaws in the books & maybe her choice of words when describing sex acts and body parts is not fantastic, but hey.. it’s got us all discussing it hasn’t it?
    I don’t think I’ll ever forget “A gracious plenty”, or be able to say it without a smile.

    I agree with the above posts, that it’s all from Sookie’s “very little school & alot of romance novels” education, so true to character. Yes, it’s also easy to forgive it as readers we’re made too hot & enthralled by the Eric action to even give the ‘quivering puppies’ description much more than a passing thought.

    • 21 VampirePamsGirl
      January 22, 2010 at 2:52 am

      I have to say that one thing I really love as well is that you can say “a gracious plenty” and only another one of us would get it. Those poor people that haven’t read these great books just wouldn’t get it, lol. I dunno, I guess it’s kinda like Trekkies speak in Klingon; well, we all speak “Sookie” now. 😉

  12. January 26, 2010 at 12:40 am

    HA HA HA.

    First, I have to say you have some fans because I’ve received NUMEROUS mentions that they saw my video on this blog, so props to your fans. I can’t believe I didn’t know about this blog, or maybe I did and I forgot, which is totally possible as SOMETIMES MY BRAIN FALLS OUT. If you read my LJ, YOU KNOW THIS.

    Anyway, I want to say thanks for featuring my video on your blog, which I’ve added to Google Reader, and I am going to shamelessly plug it every time I mention True Blood from now on. PERHAPS WE CAN WORK OUT SOME KIND OF SHAMELESS PLUG DEAL. 😀

    This blog is great work, so keep it up, and STOP STALKING ME ON LJ. TELL ME WHO YOU ARE SO I MAY STALK YOU AS WELL PLZ. 😀

  13. January 26, 2010 at 11:59 pm

    Ha! That is so amazing, you don’t how much you just made my day 🙂

    No thanks needed! I would totally pimp you no matter what. Your recaps made last season too much fun. I think you are SO awesome.

    I haven’t got an LJ…I just lurk there, all creepy like. LOL.

    • 24 nskars
      January 27, 2010 at 12:37 am

      Please get an LJ and be my friend. Clearly WordPress, Facebook and Twitter aren’t enough to stroke my stalking alter-ego.

  14. 25 Dina
    April 26, 2010 at 1:09 am

    Just got to see the video- very amusing! Thouigh i have to confess, that I find ” my breasts were quivering like puppies” metaphor funny and very descriptive. Unlike the reader’s, it’s one of my favorites.

  15. May 18, 2010 at 8:15 pm

    The first time I ever heard this scene was when a co-worker of mine read it aloud in our breakroom at lunch! Though we giggled as she read, I must commend her as she did a marvelous job. I then read it aloud to my husband that night. He was complaining about my constant reading and wanted to know what was so good, so of course I chose that scene to read to him!

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My ramblings on the Sookie Stackhouse books, and the HBO series True Blood. Everyone I know is already half crazed with my plot and character assassinations, conspiracy theories, theme explorations and general obsessing, so now I'm going to share it all with you. Spoilers and Viking worship are rampant...you have been warned!

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